It was at that moment that the floor from under my feet was gone. I was slowly sinking into the black – I didn’t want to go there. I was numb and filled to the brim with emotions all at once. I was confused and tried to process it. I couldn’t. I just knew this – my forever came to an end.
I’m not going to decorate this article with bullshit. Its the most raw I’ve ever been in writing or feeling. I haven’t written in years. But I didn’t know how else to channel it. I couldn’t dwell on it. I’ve lost myself and keep running into the same shit. I’m so messed up, I can’t even say his name. I’m just going to make reference to him as “him”. There’s no happy ending here and if verbal vulgarity is not your cup of tea, I suggest you make a left exit. This experience is mine alone and part of why I’m writing it is because I need to vent and if there is anyone else going through it… You’re not alone.
On March 24th this year, I thought I’d lost my life where I stood. Its as though my soul left my body. I was a fucking mess and in a daze. I couldn’t comprehend what had happened. I spent 3 years with a man I thought I’d marry and he called it quits. He left me. He was gone. We fought a lot. The relationship was rocky but when we were together – there was nothing like it. He was my driving force like I was his. We each had other personal issues in our shitty lives to deal with anyway. It went from “I love you” to “you ruined my life”. With the mutual breach of contract in this relationship, I guess maybe we did need a break to clear our heads. He didn’t want me anymore. I wasn’t good enough. That’s the thing… when you’re no longer successful, even if they had previously said they’d be there for you through it all, they drop you.
I took ages to process it. This was at a time when I was very sick and my career wasn’t going too well. I’d never felt more alone in my entire life. I spent 2 days in the hospital by myself. I’m not sure what hurt more… the profusely bleeding left arm because the needle was shoved in the wrong way or him leaving. I tried working double shifts, I started smoking and drinking a lot. Went out with friends late night. Got really reckless. Even rode a scooter when I was drunk out of my fucking mind at midnight in the fucking rain. I tried everything to forget him. I couldn’t. I cried like crazy. I remember being in the locker room aand crying a river and then heading back to work like it was nothing. It’s so funny now that I think about it cause people kept saying to me “Wow. You look so happy!”. I had no fucking idea how to feel about that or respond to it. It was like a knife in my chest. It still hurts so bad.
A month after he left me, I quit my job. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was in so much pain that no one saw or understood and all my roommate could say was “forget him”. That’s not how it works. Anyone who has been through this knows it. My job would take care of my accomodation. Now that I’d left without even giving a resignation, I was homeless, suicidal, weak from getting out of the hospital not too long ago and depressed as fuck. I remember blaming God for a lot of this because I’d pray for us and for us to work shit out but what’d I get? I was blocked from everywhere and he still won’t talk to me. A girl I’d known for roughly a week took me in because I was too broke to even go home. Home wasn’t even an option because my family is abusive. I’d literally lost everything in life. I didn’t know what to do. There was a huge identity crisis. I was a MESS.
Fast forward to now… I live like shit. I had to move back home. My failures get rubbed in my face. I got anorexic from not eating. I have no fucking idea what to do with my life and I’m trying so hard to get myself together. I have never loved anyone the way I loved him and never will. People say I’ll get over it. I’ve tried everything. Believe me – I have… but it only brought me closer to the conclusion that there can never be anyone else. I’ve had so many failures in love that I quit being with anyone. I’ve never been the dating type. Tomboys never are. But he was different and I weighed my odds very carefully. I couldn’t fight my heart and I knew from day one that if it wasn’t him…. It couldn’t be anyone else. I kept my ideals old school and no one is going to understand this and I don’t expect them to.
I’ll love you no matter how flawed you are or how ugly shit got. I’ll love you despite all the stupid fights and ill tolerance. I’ll love you even with all the misunderstandings. I remember everything about you. Our music, the way you smell, what you love eating, where we’ve hung out in different cities, the hotel rooms… long distance was hard and I’m sorry. Maybe its my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so damaged or protective of you. I’m sorry I was so possessive. You were a personal trainer and the most attractive man in my eyes. I didn’t like how women would hit on you. I thank you for the loyalty. I thank you for the life lessons and good times. But I cannot let you go… not from my mind. You’ve left an imprint there. My heart will always be on reservation for you. I remember the day I finally stopped talking to you. Its the night your best friend said to me “If you love him, let him go. He’s moved on”. I can’t explain to you how it crushed me. I’m sitting here in tears writing this but just the other day I had a dream that we worked it all out and I saw you smile at me again. I woke up and couldn’t fucking tell what was reality and what wasn’t. I thought me being awake was the dream. I cried when I fully woke up. You were the best thing that happened to me even though shit got twisted.
I remember the night I gave you my ring. We sat by the beach and nothing but the moment mattered. There was so much love there. We never had to try. We went on long walks. Being a flight attendant wasn’t easy but it brought me to my baby. I remember how you’d wait for my flights to end and you’d stay up till I was done just to hear about my day and tell me you’d love me. You needed to know I was safe. I remember each and every time we met… hugging you was like “I’m home”. The way we’d hug each other. The way you’d look at me dumb struck. I know that what we had wasn’t a lie. I could see it in your eyes. I remember you’d watch TV & we’d be on the phone and I’d turn on the TV and watch the same thing even though we were in different cities. I remember the late night calls, the drunk calls, the video calls before my flights. The way you’d laugh when I’d cry because I missed you. The way you cried over video call one day because the distance bothered you. I remember how you’d tell everyone I was your biggest support system. I have always and will always believe in you and wish you nothing but the best. I remember the day I had a layover and we were out. I’ve never been able to say goodbye. I cried in public that day. We both did. I got into the Uber and couldn’t look at you. You opened the car door and kissed me. I didn’t see that coming.
I remember the day we met and stopped running in circles. We were both in denial but I came to terms with it. I knew I loved you. But you…? You kept running and hurting me in the worst way unintentionally. You were the man of my dreams. I remember blocking you & we werent in talking terms for 3 whole months. I fucking hated you. But I had a flight to where you were at. That flight did NOT go well and I needed a friend. I met you and I was tired as fuck and had the most dead face in the world. But I saw the look on yours when you saw me. “I fell in love with your dead face” is what you said to me later. That day…. we didn’t have to try shit. Its like we’d known each other all our lives. Its was nothing like I’d ever seen before. We were so in love with each other. A few visits later and you said “I don’t want us to be nameless anymore. I’m not running. I’m not leaving again”. I couldnt accept that we were dating. It took me 6 months for it to sink in because not only did I never expect it but it was from someone who in my eyes was too good to be true.
I wish I could rewind and change shit cause it sucks right now. I dont want to feel anymore pain. I dont want to hurt but I wish you the best. I cant say your name let lone think of you with someone else. I wanted you to be happy and at peace and if not being with me gives you that, I cant be selfish. I needed to let you go. But you will always be my first and last true love. If God’s on my side… I really, really hope we can work it out… If you never come back… what can I do…? Maybe next life time…
I am the proud owner… no… family member of an 11 year old dog named Lucky (I ocassionally like calling him Lawrence. I’ve no idea. I’m weird like that). So, today I’m gonna tell you guys a little bit about him and I promise I will try to not bore you. BUT! This post is kind of me introspecting and looking at stuff really differently. Just a few observations I made and its just… kind of a zen-like vibe I had once that inspired this.
So, I dont exactly remember how this started but I do remember being miserable once (oh, gee. Surprise! -_-) and I began to sit back and think…. For those of you that have a pet, I’m sure you may agree with this… but you could be having the shittiest day and you walk through the door after an exhausting day – waiting to crash and potentially die and there they are to greet you – EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. They’re always so happy to see you. You could shoo them away and they’ll still be back at it the next day with dedication and so much love. Heck, sometimes they may come back 5 minutes later with the same enthusiasm.
Dogs are such beautiful creatures and like the cliche, they really are man’s best friend. Like… think about it! You could be crying over some dumb dude who broke your heart and your dog will always be by your side. You feel the love. No judgment, no hate, no anything. They expect nothing in return. All you do is feed them and give them the ocassional pat on the head and they love you for life. They protect you and take care of you when you’re sick. Somehow, they know when you’re upset.
Have you ever thought about it…? I’ve sometimes seen owners beat their dogs and the dog holds no bitterness or grudges, it is still there for that person and loves that person. What if a dog was a person? Think along those lines. Abuse is NOT cool or acceptable at all. I am not or do not encourage it. But if that dog were a person, people would pay more attention to it. Some people that suffer abuse become so resentful and even when the other person has paid the price for it, the person victimized sometimes turns into a shitty human being looking for revenge or treats others the way they were treated. A dog isn’t like that. They are so peaceful.
My dog has taught me about patience, understanding, loyalty, integrity, soul and love. More than any person that I’ve ever known.
There have been times I’ve forgotten to feed him and he was still as loving as ever. They have the ability to melt hearts, man. For real.
Lucky taught me how to be a better friend and person by caring about others and being compassionate. Listen more, talk less. How to stop and breathe to calm anxiety before decision making. How to follow a good routine for myself to stay organized and healthy. How to do my job with full focus. How to be respectful and appreciative. How to stick to good values and what I believe in without manipulation. How to just… let go. Jealousy does not exist with him. How to not be a toxic person. How to be happier for myself and others. I could go on and on.
Let me know what you guys think! (:
That’s all for now.
Well hello, you guys! It’s been six long years since I’ve written on here. I promise, I will be better! First and foremost, here is wishing the lot of you a very Happy New Year! I hope you all get plenty of happiness, love and prosperity this year and set your heart out to achieve all that you’ve wanted, fearlessly.
Alrighty, this one is a bit real for me and kind of a sensitive topic for a lot of people but if this helps even ONE person, gosh, I’d be super happy (:
I have suffered with crippling depression, OCD and anxiety for the longest time. Umm.. 2012, if I’m not mistaken? But I’ve always had general anxiety. It went from stage fright and sweaty hands to the extreme case of panic attacks where I’ve passed out and had to be hospitalized on several ocassions. Those were dark times and I know how it is to be so confused and lost and embarrassed in a large crowd – on the floor, hyperventilating and not knowing what to do. It kills your self esteem and you go into this shell where you wanna hide from all of humanity.
You guys, I just wanna say that if you or anyone else have anxiety… it is completely normal and should not be stigmatized. An anxiety attack is basically fear of something that you either are or aren’t consciously aware of and your body responds in a way that it would if there really were a threat at hand.
1. Meditation : What really helps with anxiety is meditation. It is so relaxing and it ideally should be done twice a day – as soon as you wake up and before you go to bed for about… 15 minutes? Its really not a lot of time to spare. But this helps so much to just stop and breathe and centre your thoughts and emotions. It basically puts you in control and you get to block out the noise in your head. You get that private time with yourself and you can just analyse stuff that bothered you but do it productively.
2. Working out : Working out is so good for the body and it is so much better than having to take medication. Again – this puts your body in control and you feel stronger and healthier. It’s great for keeping yourself active and distracted. Plus, the results really help build self esteem. This was my daily go to activity for relieving stress.
3. Get Creative : This is something that’ll make you happier than you usually are and can help the attacks get less. Be it journaling or playing sports – do what makes your heart happy!
4. Travel : I cannot stress enough on how much this helps. A change in environment is good. By all means, go out with friends for a night out or something but what you really need is a long car drive or sitting in the sun on a camp site. You could go by yourself for your space or better yet, go with family and friends.
5. Be Prepared : An anxiety attack is definitely not something you can predict. Take precaution! Always carry stuff that you think you would need in your backpack in event of something like that happening. My blood pressure usually drops, so I carry a chocolate bar. I used to carry around paper bags because I would throw up sometimes. Its also good that you carry that to breathe in and out of slowly. This one sounds ridiculous but when I’d have attacks, my heart rate would shoot up real quick and I’d lose the sensation in my fingers. A stress ball or tiny soft toy or something can help with that. Wet wipes, hand sanitizer, a bottle of water and ORS should be on you at all times. Hey, you can have whatever you’d like! It’ll be totally unique to you! I’d also recommend a keychain or something with the details of someone you or anyone else can call for help in case you pass out.
6. Pets : I have a dog and he really is my best friend. Its so helpful and good for the soul when you get back home after a really crappy day and there is your little fuzzy friend to greet you. I read somewhere that animals really do relieve stress. Play with your dog or cat or hug the heck out of them.
7. WRITE! : Whether or not you are a writer, this one helps to put your thoughts in perspective. Often times, I’ve found myself frustrated and so stuck. The best way out of it was to write. It helps you vent, you note down the problem and you can read it as a third person AND while writing it out, you may find the answer in it yourself.
8. Stay Calm : If you’re having a bad day, tomorrow will be better. If you wanna train yourself with being in control… you have got to keep telling yourself that it is not the end of the world. Stop beating yourself up about things you cant control. Learn to let go of the past and stop worrying about the future. It is easier said than done but logically, for instance… you’re stressed about a test tomorrow. All you need to do is study. You cannot control the results you get. If you fail, that’s fine. You know that you tried and you can go for it again. Who in this lifetime hasn’t faced a set back? You need to mentally empower yourself! There is no one like you out there. Your differences make you, You!
If someone yells at you or tells you off for something that isn’t your fault, ignore it. Play deaf. Never ever take anything personal. Don’t go to sleep angry or upset. It has been proven that the thoughts left in your head 15 minutes before you go to sleep are then registered into your subconscious and you feed off of it everyday. Break that chain.
Staying calm is vital for you CNS (Central Nervous System) and mental peace. Stay calm, stay awesome.
9. Music : I am musically versatile and I’m not sure what your preferences are but I’d suggest you listen to something more upbeat or anything that makes you happier. Sometimes, people with anxiety get triggered by stuff, so anything associated to a good memory is always the best thing.
10. Love Yourself…. and everyone else : You need to put in extra effort to take care of yourself and make yourself feel good. You need to surround yourself with people who genuinely want your well being and enjoy your company. Change your environment. This is really important. Now when I say this – I mean you could do something as simple as changing your phone lockscreen to a picture of your girl or boyfriend. Change your room decor to something brighter. Put up pictures of yourself, places or people that make you happy. Set targets for yourself everyday and stick it somewhere till theyre all crossed out. Paint your room. Do whatever makes you happy. The anxiety can’t really kick in if you’re happy and busy.
Well, that’s all for now. I hope everyone has a thoroughly awesome day! I hope this was even a little bit helpful. If you have anxiety, its good to read positive quotes and watch inspiring videos. Have happy people around you that can give you assurance. Assure yourself. Dont worry about setbacks – they happen. If its social anxiety – nobody’s perfect. People are just like us. We all make mistakes. Dont worry about being judged or not accepted – what helps is to think that everyone is unique and entitled to an opinion. You do not require validation or bitterness. What matters is what you think of you. Love and respect yourself. Ooo… I forgot to mention… if you are someone who has recently been suffering with anxiety, dont be afraid to get help. It is so important. If medication helps you, go for it. I’d personally recommend therapy for a bit. If you choose to get better by yourself like I did… do be careful. The struggle is real. I chose to because I was told that medication could get you hooked or dependant. I’m not saying you should do what I did. Do whatever works for you, by all means and feel better soon! X (:
Until next time!
Waking up at 9 am and going.. “Shoot!” as you scramble and struggle to wake yourself up to be in time for school. You run out of the bathroom and look at the clock and you’re more late than ever! You hastily pack your bag-pack and hop around with one sock on your foot and uncombed hair. You look around for your shoes and spot them and as you bend over to get them, you fall over and hurt your knee. You’re effort on wearing that one sock went in vein as if flew dramatically off your foot to the other side of the floor like a parachute. You grab that and attempt again to put your shoes on. You comb your tangled hair and tie it untidily around your head and grab a piece of toast and your out the door.
You get on the bus and step on a stick of gum and have a hard time getting it off. When you reach school you’re given the death glare by the principal who questions you’re tardiness. You look at the floor without an explanation. “Get to class” and so you do. All those eyes starting at you as if to say “Ooo, busted!” You look away and find an empty spot and sit down. At class, you forget your notebook and that doubles your embarrassment. At the end of class you sigh and lay your head on the table. Your friends come to you and bring assurance of everything falling into place without it falling apart. At recess you hang with your friends and take a load off. You joke with them and suddenly everything melts away for that moment with you anxiously thinking “How long will it last?”
As school ends, you head back home in the scorching heat and get a bad sunburn. You’re upset because you aren’t allowed to play soccer. You watch T.V but there’s nothing good on. You get yelled at for your grades not meeting your parents “expectations” and as a result face the consequences on their “disappointment”. You float yourself to a place beyond consciousness and find your happy place. You listen to the music you most love and feel solitude and let your imagination take you to the very finest of destinations… Then you’re snapped back to reality by grumpy parents who would appreciate if you cleaned your room. Once again, you do as your told but when no one’s looking you make little bunnies with the bed covers. You never really did get the approval of people for being creative. It was always about “education is them most important thing” for which you said otherwise. You take out your drawing book and make a pretty sketch but then you begin to question your ability and say “Hey, their right… I’m not good enough” and rip it up and dispose of what could have been worth millions someday (Well, we all have the right to dream). Your day ends and you fall asleep again (You’re only real time of peace).
And I with my tangled hair and sloppy ways will rub my eyes the next morning and look at the few glares of the freshly arisen morning sun and smile gently to myself and tiredly carry myself through the next day with all my imperfections and take life as it comes. Yes, I’d do it all over again just to be appreciative of the fact that I do have another day to live.